Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Flights of Fancy

I was followed home from San Diego by red, flashing lights.

It was embarrassing. I hope it never happens again.

The lights said, “Mommy Fail!”

Uno lost her fourth front tooth while we were away this weekend. She crept up to my bed at about 1 am and said, “Mommy, I lost my tooth! What do I do?”

Since she startled me to awake by whispering this about 3 centimeters from my face I had a few immediate recommendations of what she could do that wouldn’t be fit to say out loud, much less put in print.

But I woke up, congratulated her for getting out the nasty little tooth that had hung by a sinew for a few days, cockeyed and graying, and got out of bed to take the tooth to the bathroom. I put it by the faucet handle and assured her we would put it under her pillow for the tooth fairy when we got home, because that’s where the Tooth Fairy would be looking for her tooth (not in a hotel room in another state!).

(It might be fair to mention the stockpile of gold dollar coins are at home and most stores where you can get a gold coin are closed at oh my goodness in the morning.)

So we put the tooth by the sink and went back to bed.

The next morning we woke up, got packed and went to the beach. It was awesome, we watched some fighter jets take off and land and generally had an excellent time.

About 45 minutes after checking out of the hotel Uno said, “Mommy! Did you get my tooth?!”

And the blood began to pound in my ears, my stomach sank, and my legs went rubbery. Because, NO, I LEFT THE TOOTH ON THE SINK. AT THE HOTEL. IN ANOTHER STATE.

Epic Mommy Fail.

Lizard recovered. “It’s ok, we can leave a note for the Tooth Fairy under your pillow with the address for the hotel. She’s fast and can fly to San Diego to get your tooth, then fly back home to give you your coin!”

Uno was satisfied. Later a friend called and she talked to him on the phone:

“Guess what! I lost my tooth! But we left it in the hotel by the sink. But Daddy told me the Tooth Fairy can fly to get it and that will be fine and Daddy’s an honest man so I know that’s how it will be.”

and i died a little inside as my moral compass began to spin uncontrollably.

Since then things have only gotten worse.

Uno wants to make sure we use a small piece of paper for the note because the Tooth Fairy is so small. I only had 8.5×11 paper available so I told her the Tooth Fairy could open any size piece of paper because she used her wand to open it.

Uno wants to be sure she can read the note. I told her the Tooth Fairy was fluent in all languages and able to read letters of any size.

Uno asked how all of this can be possible. “Where does the magic come from?” she asked.

And the lies, the lies! They just kept dripping from my lips!

I committed sacrilege.

“God gives the Tooth Fairy magic. It’s special, just for her.” I’m lying to my child about the Tooth Fairy and now I’m bringing God into the equation.

“Oh, just like Santa Claus? ‘Cause God gives Santa Claus magic powers for his bag and his reindeer.”

“Uh huh.” I’m remembering all the times I said, We Don’t Lie. We Aren’t a Family That Lies. We Tell The Truth Even When It’s Hard.

“Yeah, I figured. God, Jesus, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, they’re all related and have magic power. But God is best,” Uno continued, completely oblivious to my internal distress.

“Um, sure. God’s the strongest.”

I was not intending to have a crisis of faith about the Tooth Fairy, but there you have it. What do YOU tell your kids about the Tooth Fairy?! (Or what were you told by your parents and how old were you when you figured it out?)

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